I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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