The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
