I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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