omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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