The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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