You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
