Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
