im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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