Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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