sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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