So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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