I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have tasted many bathrooms
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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