Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
BRING THE BAGELS
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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