I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
