also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
