My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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