I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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