I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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