Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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