Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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