There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
