I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
