I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
