My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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