Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
