My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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