For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
