I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
