Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
