I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
