Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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