Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
