That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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