Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
