you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
