I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
