I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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