How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
