I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
