wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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