I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
