i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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