Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize