Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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