Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
