yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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