Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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