Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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