3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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