Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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