If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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