Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
