Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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