You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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