i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
